Oy. So that was my week. Exactly how it sounds.
Temporarily we are living with my parents while we look for a new place. Our last apartment had some crazy drama. We moved out as fast as we could which meant staying with family while we search. This week has been full of me being in the car for hours while driving around different cities trying to find the right place. You know what that means right? STRESS AND FAST FOOD. Deadly combination. There were a lot of factors in why I didn't diet this week. Excuses suck and if I REALLY REALLY wanted to, I'm sure I could have stayed on it. But I didn't. Moving in with parents meant eating their food. Too broke this week to buy my own groceries. We have to save money for the next place and rent and deposits and blah blah. So we are broke after that and hours and hours of driving. That meant a lot of pantry food. Pastas, breads, cereals. I feel like crap this Monday. Bloated beyond belief. Ready to go shopping today now that we got paid again. NOT ready to step on that scale and measure myself. BUT I WILL. Oh and did I also mention it was my husbands birthday this week? That meant cheesecake, ice cream, going out to dinner. I have yet figured out how to make a healthy choice when going out to eat. No one wants to order grilled chicken after a week of eating nothing but. That, I need to work on.
Long story short. I let the hard times stop me from working harder than I already have to. I'm working hard mentally and emotionally. I need to not let that stop me from working hard physically.
Happy note from this week: My 6 month old daughter Genevieve started crawling! So crazy that she is mobile and old enough to be. Time has flown.
Anyways, so here it is. My shame. My repentance. My new week. Which will start off with a morning walk with baby G. It is only in the 60's this morning and after the 110's its been the past few weeks, I'm going to enjoy this.
WEEK 1 STATS: WEEK 2 STATS:
Weight:175.1 Weight: 178.4
Neck:12.5 in Neck: 12.5
Waist: 32in Waist: 32.5
Hips: 46 in Hips: 46.5
Arms: 13in Arms: 13.5
Thighs: 27in Thighs: 27.5
Baby Gut: 45in Baby Gut: 45
Calves: 16 in Calves: 16.5
Cankles: 9in Cankles: 9.5in
BMI: 34.45 BMI: 35.10
So that wasn't very fun. My fault, but still not fun.
I'm also a MAJOR Diet Coke addict. Like major.
I think this week it's time to focus more on water. I think that's been a huge factor in my cravings and my water retainment. Shocker right? Soda isn't water? Who knew. I want to try and drink one bottle ever two hours. It sucks how much water sucks after drinking so much soda. Makes me kind of nauseated when I drink it in the morning and a lot of it. But it's something that needs to happen. Common sense. I'm hoping that will be my saving grace this week. I am figuring that next week I will probably gain just from drinking a lot more water, but eventually will lose more once my body realizes this isn't a one time thing. Then my legs will finally be less swollen. WAHOO!
Alright, time to get over how crappy of a week this was and the crappy results. New weeks, GO!
Monday, August 20, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Weigh in Day!
So I could definitely feel a difference in how I felt this week. It is so nice to not be bloated and feel so nasty all the time! So I woke up today and was ready to hop on that scale! I love the wii fit because it will not only track my weight, but my BMI as well. The only thing I don't like about it is the fact that after I weigh in, she kindly but firmly says "You are obese." Thanks avatar lady. You are correct. But oh how I love seeing that BMI and weight bar go down!! Anyways, here are my results from the first week!
BEGINNING STATS: Week 1 STATS:
Weight:180 Weight: 175.1
Neck:12.5 in Neck: 12.5in
Waist: 34in Waist: 32in
Hips: 46 in Hips: 46in
Arms: 13in Arms: 13in
Thighs: 28in Thighs: 27in
Baby Gut: 45.5in Baby Gut: 45in
Calves: 16 in Calves: 16in
Cankles: 8.75 Cankles: 9in
BMI: 35.41 BMI: 34.45
Wahoo! So I lost 4.9 lbs, 2 inches off my waist, 1 inch off each thigh, and half an inch off of my gut! I'll take it!!
So I should probably mention what I am doing for my diet.
For my weight and height I should be eating 1200 calories a day. I have been tracking this via myfitnesspal.com. It helps me keep up with carbs, fat, and protein. I am not completely balancing my diet though. So fitness pal tells me I'm way over on protein each day, Every body is different and I lose weight when I focus on protein. This is because I can't eat wheat anyway. It bloats the crap out of me and messes me up. I also got some inspiration from "The 17 day diet". I had some friends and family try it with a lot of success! I don't want to be on a diet and have to count days though. So I took some info from the book and other experiences from diets I have done in the past.
I eat fruits, vegetables, chicken, and fish. Occasionally, I will add beans in my meal. I also may have egg whites for breakfast. My day usually looks like this.
Breakfast- Protein shake or 4 egg whites, 4 oz greek yogurt, an apple.
Snack- fruits
Lunch- Veggie mix salad with 3-4 oz grilled chicken breast, natural apple sauce
Snack- almonds, fruit, or veggie
Dinner- Grilled chicken, tuna wrapped in lettuce, or another salad.
I know it doesn't exciting or all that delicious. Food has never been my obsession. I guess I should say tastes have never been my obsession. I could eat bland food, and the same thing, day in and day out. So I pick easy, healthy, meals so that I don't get overwhelmed or feel like my diet is controlling me.
So I would consider this week a success for me. I stuck to my routine as a whole. Did I find myself breaking down a few night ago and have a small bag of potato chips? Absolutely. BUT I took responsibility of that and tracked it. After years of dieting and restricting I have learned that it is better to indulge in a small way once or twice a week, track it, and move on, than to restrict yourself hardcore and then later break and binge eat. You can enjoy the food you love in moderation. I can go without the foods I use to love, its the desert that I have a hard time completely cutting out. So if I want one or two bites of cheesecake, I go for it. But I stop there. I don't let that one or two bites turn into a whole slice or two. Normally, I'd probably eat 3 slices so I consider this a success. My husbands birthday is tomorrow. I will have a bite of a cake. And that's okay :) I will take one bite and move on and won't sit there groaning and fixed on that cake desperate to try some. It won't be all I can think about because I already had my bite. I've learned that life has to be flexible. No more "I already broke my diet today, might as well start again tomorrow", and then I end up eating all night before it starts again. You break it, forgive yourself, and start again that minute.
I will try and blog more this week. We are currently looking for a new home so I spend a lot of my day researching and out driving around. I need to squeeze more time in for this! I think it absolutely helped to blog at the hard moments last week.
Anyways, ramble ramble! Off to make breakfast!
BEGINNING STATS: Week 1 STATS:
Weight:180 Weight: 175.1
Neck:12.5 in Neck: 12.5in
Waist: 34in Waist: 32in
Hips: 46 in Hips: 46in
Arms: 13in Arms: 13in
Thighs: 28in Thighs: 27in
Baby Gut: 45.5in Baby Gut: 45in
Calves: 16 in Calves: 16in
Cankles: 8.75 Cankles: 9in
BMI: 35.41 BMI: 34.45
Wahoo! So I lost 4.9 lbs, 2 inches off my waist, 1 inch off each thigh, and half an inch off of my gut! I'll take it!!
So I should probably mention what I am doing for my diet.
For my weight and height I should be eating 1200 calories a day. I have been tracking this via myfitnesspal.com. It helps me keep up with carbs, fat, and protein. I am not completely balancing my diet though. So fitness pal tells me I'm way over on protein each day, Every body is different and I lose weight when I focus on protein. This is because I can't eat wheat anyway. It bloats the crap out of me and messes me up. I also got some inspiration from "The 17 day diet". I had some friends and family try it with a lot of success! I don't want to be on a diet and have to count days though. So I took some info from the book and other experiences from diets I have done in the past.
I eat fruits, vegetables, chicken, and fish. Occasionally, I will add beans in my meal. I also may have egg whites for breakfast. My day usually looks like this.
Breakfast- Protein shake or 4 egg whites, 4 oz greek yogurt, an apple.
Snack- fruits
Lunch- Veggie mix salad with 3-4 oz grilled chicken breast, natural apple sauce
Snack- almonds, fruit, or veggie
Dinner- Grilled chicken, tuna wrapped in lettuce, or another salad.
I know it doesn't exciting or all that delicious. Food has never been my obsession. I guess I should say tastes have never been my obsession. I could eat bland food, and the same thing, day in and day out. So I pick easy, healthy, meals so that I don't get overwhelmed or feel like my diet is controlling me.
So I would consider this week a success for me. I stuck to my routine as a whole. Did I find myself breaking down a few night ago and have a small bag of potato chips? Absolutely. BUT I took responsibility of that and tracked it. After years of dieting and restricting I have learned that it is better to indulge in a small way once or twice a week, track it, and move on, than to restrict yourself hardcore and then later break and binge eat. You can enjoy the food you love in moderation. I can go without the foods I use to love, its the desert that I have a hard time completely cutting out. So if I want one or two bites of cheesecake, I go for it. But I stop there. I don't let that one or two bites turn into a whole slice or two. Normally, I'd probably eat 3 slices so I consider this a success. My husbands birthday is tomorrow. I will have a bite of a cake. And that's okay :) I will take one bite and move on and won't sit there groaning and fixed on that cake desperate to try some. It won't be all I can think about because I already had my bite. I've learned that life has to be flexible. No more "I already broke my diet today, might as well start again tomorrow", and then I end up eating all night before it starts again. You break it, forgive yourself, and start again that minute.
I will try and blog more this week. We are currently looking for a new home so I spend a lot of my day researching and out driving around. I need to squeeze more time in for this! I think it absolutely helped to blog at the hard moments last week.
Anyways, ramble ramble! Off to make breakfast!
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Remember that one time when I was going to commit to blogging to help me commit to my diet? Well now you see my commitment problem. Whoops. I have stuck with the diet though. So at least thats something! I'm feeling anxious to weigh in and measure myself officially on Monday. When I see results I get super pumped. This week so far has been so-so. I stayed within my 1200 calories, but here or there when I had extra calories I may have given myself a little something I shouldnt. Of course, I use the excuse of the extra calories. In reality, we both know it's not about calories as much as it is about giving my body nutrition. None the less, I still feel a lot better than last week. Cutting out huge portions, pastas, breads, fast food, loads of sugar.. who wouldn't feel like ass after eating all of that?
My sister came over yesterday and was eating Panda Express. It smelled sooo delightful. So I grabbed a salad and sat next to her to be smelling and eating at the same time. I'm pathetic.
One thing that has kept me going is the fact that I have outgrown my wardrobe. Or what I call a wardrobe. It's actually only like 5 shirts and one pair of pants. I stopped shopping years ago and recently went through and threw out things that didnt fit. Which was most of it. I am ready to lose about 15-20 lbs before I go shopping for a few things. I don't want to spend a ton of money on clothes that will be too big later. But I would love to find clothes that flatter now, and would still look good 40-60 lbs later. Which will probably be hard, but with my husband in college and me not working, I'm willing to take the challenge. I'm tired of throwing on the same shirt everyday and doing the minimum makeup and putting my hair back. I'm a woman damnit! I should be doing more. I hope in the next week or so I'll start to feel more motivated with that. I can't tell if I'm lazy with my appearance because I'm fat, or because I'm a new mom. I take every ounce of sleep I can get even if that means sacrificing a shower. I'm disgusting I know.
My husband has the next 4 days off of work and school. This is going to be a challenge. My husband is ridiculously skinny and eats what he wants. Which has usually meant that I give in and just eat whatever he's eating while we're out. Who wants to eat a fast food salad? But I think he knows how serious I am this time around and hopefully wont sit on the couch next to me and eat some fudge or a bucket of ice cream.
Well, my time is up, the baby is awake! My sweet little girl is a little more fun to hang out with than this blog. Hopefully, I mean, I will be back soon!
My sister came over yesterday and was eating Panda Express. It smelled sooo delightful. So I grabbed a salad and sat next to her to be smelling and eating at the same time. I'm pathetic.
One thing that has kept me going is the fact that I have outgrown my wardrobe. Or what I call a wardrobe. It's actually only like 5 shirts and one pair of pants. I stopped shopping years ago and recently went through and threw out things that didnt fit. Which was most of it. I am ready to lose about 15-20 lbs before I go shopping for a few things. I don't want to spend a ton of money on clothes that will be too big later. But I would love to find clothes that flatter now, and would still look good 40-60 lbs later. Which will probably be hard, but with my husband in college and me not working, I'm willing to take the challenge. I'm tired of throwing on the same shirt everyday and doing the minimum makeup and putting my hair back. I'm a woman damnit! I should be doing more. I hope in the next week or so I'll start to feel more motivated with that. I can't tell if I'm lazy with my appearance because I'm fat, or because I'm a new mom. I take every ounce of sleep I can get even if that means sacrificing a shower. I'm disgusting I know.
My husband has the next 4 days off of work and school. This is going to be a challenge. My husband is ridiculously skinny and eats what he wants. Which has usually meant that I give in and just eat whatever he's eating while we're out. Who wants to eat a fast food salad? But I think he knows how serious I am this time around and hopefully wont sit on the couch next to me and eat some fudge or a bucket of ice cream.
Well, my time is up, the baby is awake! My sweet little girl is a little more fun to hang out with than this blog. Hopefully, I mean, I will be back soon!
Monday, August 6, 2012
late night cravings.
Right now all I want is a damn kit kat. Or cake. How about BBQ potato chips? All of these things are in my home. Are they mine? No. But I sure want them to be. Today has been rough. Not because of the diet, though. Just a whole lot of fun things going on in life. We've all been there and can relate. But it's these times where I just want to crawl in bed, drink a diet coke, and indulge in something that won't let me down. Except, it will. My temporary fix will become a permanent addition to my thighs. I don't know why my emotions are so controlled by food. Logically, there is no connection. Food is a survival tool. But it's how I've coped with my emotions all these years. The food quiets my mind. So I sit here without any sugar or junk to shut my mind up. Nothing on tv to substitute my cravings. I guess this is where I learn how to control these cravings on my own. This is a make it or break it moment for me and it's only night one. Guess I'll make it tonight. This helps I think. To use the thoughts I throw out there instead of repeating them over and over until I go crazy. Life's never going to be easy. Days aren't always going to be craving free. I'm done giving in because my day is hard. My days are always going to be hard. And that's okay. How about I pray instead of eat a cookie? I would think prayers help your mind better than any candy bar out there. It's settled. No snacks for me tonight. Instead, a long ranty post and a prayer.
And so it begins.
So, here I sit wondering how the hell I got this way. Except, I know exactly how I got this way.
Physically, I got here from eat like crap. All the time. It's not a mystery. When you eat like crap, you feel like crap. You get fat.
You eat healthy when you live at home because your parents make you. The moment you get that freedom, no one makes you. So why would you? I've always been naturally a little rebellious. I guess this was just one more way to stick it to em'. Whoops. I guess I really just stuck it to myself. Literally. I should have just put glue on all that fast food and just stuck it to my butt, my gut, my thighs, and arms. At the time, it was easy, delicious, and quick. Who wants to cook when you have to do the dishes? Doesn't seem worth it when I can pay a dollar for a burger and move on to something more fun.
I feel like in my life I have chosen "fun" over any work. In high school, it was about friends and socializing. After high school, it was about enjoying life outside of work. Who wants to waste time eating?? Guzzle some crap and move on to the good stuff. Well, I've paid the price. With grades, crappy jobs, and a big ole butt. I have great memories but was it really worth all the hell I'm about to have to go through to get to where I need to be? For myself, my husband, and my daughter.
I'm going to just ramble through this, so if you're reading, sorry dude. I know that when I'm sitting and dormant and eating like crap, I am a royal biotch. I'm unhappy. It makes me pissy and continuously lazy. I've lost my drive, my passions, my adventures, and probably some of my relationships. I remember connecting with life. Feeling those moments when you are driving and the windows are down and knowing exactly who you are and how wonderful life is. Or when I would wake up in the morning and feel like nothing could keep me down. I had interests, and hobbies, and passions. You see, I wasn't always a fat girl. I used to be so fit and strong. I used to play. I used to run. I used to feel deeply.
Now, I sit here at 180 lbs and unhappy. I thought maybe the past 5 years of my life have seemed hard and have made me unhappy. In reality, my life has been the same, but I've been unhappy. I can't run. I can't play. I don't even feel things that deeply anymore. I don't like talking to people and I don't like going out. None of my clothes fit and I don't have the money or the guts to buy a whole new wardrobe. Do you know what it's like as a fat girl in a dressing room? It's an emotional war zone. You get excited that they have something so cute in your size, but once you get in there... it couldn't fit worse. I'm not just a regular chunk, I'm 5'0 with ridiculously large boobs. The shoulders never fit, the boobs never fit. It's a complicated life. Regular stores are too small, plus size stores fit too tall and big. So what to do? GROW THE FRICK UP AND BE A MAN. or woman.
DO THE WORK.
Emotionally, I got fat because of fear. Even when I weighed under 100 lbs I was obsessed with weight. I wouldn't laugh out loud because it gave me what looked like a double chin. I wouldnt sit normally because it gave my stomach skin rolls. not fat rolls. skin rolls. My thighs were too muscular from gymnastics and cheerleading. I had a gymnasts body. Short and boyish. I guess this made me feel fat? I have no idea. I felt ugly. All the time. People didn't call my ugly or fat, but I felt like it. Gotta love girls self images. I remember standing on the scale and when I saw that I hit 100 lbs, I couldn't wrap my mind around it. 100 lbs. Triple digit. That must be like what a car weighs. What it felt like. I kept going with life and didn't start puberty until almost 17 years old. That is when my problems really started. My hips exploded from a size 0 to a size 3. A SIZE 3?!? This couldn't be happening to me. Then I went from being flat chested with padded bras, to a C cup size in one summer. Sophomore year to Junior year went from boy shape straight to woman. I had so many curves so fast. Huge boobs, a bubble butt, and new hips. In retrospect, it was a dream body. At the time, I had no idea what was happening and I attributed it to gaining weight. I quit sports, I got quiet, and I got depressed. Girls weren't nice about it either. Rumors of boob jobs, sleeping around making my hips wide, and just being called fat by these girls. I weighed 115 and was being called fat.
I started to believe it. I guess that's when I gave up. I was going to be the fat one. All my friends were stick thin and pretty. I was the ugly fat friend. You know what that means. I had to be funny. No one likes the quiet shy fat girl right? I figured that the only way people wouldn't notice my body was to make my personality bigger. I began to enjoy life again. I forced myself to be happy. To make jokes. To be witty. To shine. I gave up on my body and developed my confidence. Life has to be funny. If I took everything seriously, then I'd be fat and sad. I'd rather be fat and happy. Mind you, this was all going on while I weighed like 120 lbs. So stupid.
In a way, I am glad I became overweight. I have learned so much about who I really am. Society could tell me how to look, but no one really pressures you how to act. That's when I blossomed. I found passions in entertaining people. In being the one that people could pick on and take it. I started to not care what people thought. I lost sensitivity to it. I love that about me. It doesn't hurt my feelings when call me chubby or fat. Because guess what? I actually am now. I realize that I cared so much back then because I wasn't. Or at least I didn't think I was. So why did someone tell me that. I guess it must be true if someone says it so I guess I should believe it? I am so over that way of thinking. I don't take offense to pretty much anything anymore. I notice that people really enjoy that. They can hang around me, joke, play, tease, and just talk and there is no drama. Let's just enjoy each other. I became social again and loved it. I love who I am now. Emotionally, anyway.
So it took me to lose my whole self. My body, mind, and soul. I let people take that away from me. How silly. Once I was fully crumbled, I built myself back. But, unfortunately, I only built my way of thinking back. I gave up on my body and convinced myself that it wouldn't matter. A lot of happy people are chubby. Who cares what my body looks like. I have friends who don't care if I'm fat. My husband still loves me regardless. My baby girl still smiles and reaches for me even though I'm a chunk.
NEWS FLASH TO MYSELF: Even though the ones I love "don't mind" me being fat. I do. I miss moving. I miss running. I miss walking. I miss tumbling. I miss sports. I miss clothes. I miss not thinking about it constantly.
I was playing around with my little sister while watching the olympics last night. She is 16. She is a thin girl. We were watching syncronized diving and listening to the judges about being flexible. I don't know why but we both ended up on the floor playing with our flexibility. I'm a huge ass but can still do the splits and bend in ways I would have never thought a fat girl could. I feel like I found a part of myself that I lost. I know that sounds weird because it's such a small weird thing to do. I'm still flexible. But, as I was bending and twisting, I could see my fat so clearly. It pinches and fold and moves in disturbing ways. I feel like this was the first time that I actually SAW my fat. How much it was hindering me. How much talent I had and let go. How much potential I had and let go. Now I see how much of my life and abilities have been covered up. Literally. In fat. Layers and years of turmoil and avoidance shoved inside my skin. I think that was my AHA! moment. That the time is now. I need to do this for myself. I need to do this for my husband. Not so that he'll be attracted to me more, but so that he can have the best of me. The happy me. The side of me he's never seen before. I need to do it for my daughter. I need to be able to learn what it takes so that I can teach her. I feel like I can now use my life lessons to make her the best her. But I want to play with her. I want to run with her. I want to be able to get off the damn floor as fast as her.
So you with me? Let's freakin do this thing. Today my baby turned 6 months old. Today I start my journey. I hope to be well on my way by her first birthday. I want to be in pictures with her. I want to look at a picture of the two of us together and focus on how beautiful she is in the picture. Not how fat I am.
I think I rambled enough that you can see where I am. How I got here. And how I'm about to change my damn life.
BEGINNING STATS:
Weight: 180lbs
Neck: 12.5in
Waist: 34in
Hips: 46in
Arms: 13in
Thighs: 28in
Love Handles/Baby Gut: 45.5in
Calves: 16in
Cankles: 8.75in
BMI: 35.41
So the point of this blog is to keep me committed. I will be coming back every night to bitch about that days stuggles and thoughts. Each Monday I will update my stats and we can watch me get all cute and stuff. I'll show pictures once a month. I don't want to. But i'll do it. I'm not excited, it's not fun, but I'm pretty sure when I wake up and feel the way I want, I won't look back and think "well that was a waste of time."
Ready. Set. Eat a salad. Or 600.
Physically, I got here from eat like crap. All the time. It's not a mystery. When you eat like crap, you feel like crap. You get fat.
You eat healthy when you live at home because your parents make you. The moment you get that freedom, no one makes you. So why would you? I've always been naturally a little rebellious. I guess this was just one more way to stick it to em'. Whoops. I guess I really just stuck it to myself. Literally. I should have just put glue on all that fast food and just stuck it to my butt, my gut, my thighs, and arms. At the time, it was easy, delicious, and quick. Who wants to cook when you have to do the dishes? Doesn't seem worth it when I can pay a dollar for a burger and move on to something more fun.
I feel like in my life I have chosen "fun" over any work. In high school, it was about friends and socializing. After high school, it was about enjoying life outside of work. Who wants to waste time eating?? Guzzle some crap and move on to the good stuff. Well, I've paid the price. With grades, crappy jobs, and a big ole butt. I have great memories but was it really worth all the hell I'm about to have to go through to get to where I need to be? For myself, my husband, and my daughter.
I'm going to just ramble through this, so if you're reading, sorry dude. I know that when I'm sitting and dormant and eating like crap, I am a royal biotch. I'm unhappy. It makes me pissy and continuously lazy. I've lost my drive, my passions, my adventures, and probably some of my relationships. I remember connecting with life. Feeling those moments when you are driving and the windows are down and knowing exactly who you are and how wonderful life is. Or when I would wake up in the morning and feel like nothing could keep me down. I had interests, and hobbies, and passions. You see, I wasn't always a fat girl. I used to be so fit and strong. I used to play. I used to run. I used to feel deeply.
Now, I sit here at 180 lbs and unhappy. I thought maybe the past 5 years of my life have seemed hard and have made me unhappy. In reality, my life has been the same, but I've been unhappy. I can't run. I can't play. I don't even feel things that deeply anymore. I don't like talking to people and I don't like going out. None of my clothes fit and I don't have the money or the guts to buy a whole new wardrobe. Do you know what it's like as a fat girl in a dressing room? It's an emotional war zone. You get excited that they have something so cute in your size, but once you get in there... it couldn't fit worse. I'm not just a regular chunk, I'm 5'0 with ridiculously large boobs. The shoulders never fit, the boobs never fit. It's a complicated life. Regular stores are too small, plus size stores fit too tall and big. So what to do? GROW THE FRICK UP AND BE A MAN. or woman.
DO THE WORK.
Emotionally, I got fat because of fear. Even when I weighed under 100 lbs I was obsessed with weight. I wouldn't laugh out loud because it gave me what looked like a double chin. I wouldnt sit normally because it gave my stomach skin rolls. not fat rolls. skin rolls. My thighs were too muscular from gymnastics and cheerleading. I had a gymnasts body. Short and boyish. I guess this made me feel fat? I have no idea. I felt ugly. All the time. People didn't call my ugly or fat, but I felt like it. Gotta love girls self images. I remember standing on the scale and when I saw that I hit 100 lbs, I couldn't wrap my mind around it. 100 lbs. Triple digit. That must be like what a car weighs. What it felt like. I kept going with life and didn't start puberty until almost 17 years old. That is when my problems really started. My hips exploded from a size 0 to a size 3. A SIZE 3?!? This couldn't be happening to me. Then I went from being flat chested with padded bras, to a C cup size in one summer. Sophomore year to Junior year went from boy shape straight to woman. I had so many curves so fast. Huge boobs, a bubble butt, and new hips. In retrospect, it was a dream body. At the time, I had no idea what was happening and I attributed it to gaining weight. I quit sports, I got quiet, and I got depressed. Girls weren't nice about it either. Rumors of boob jobs, sleeping around making my hips wide, and just being called fat by these girls. I weighed 115 and was being called fat.
I started to believe it. I guess that's when I gave up. I was going to be the fat one. All my friends were stick thin and pretty. I was the ugly fat friend. You know what that means. I had to be funny. No one likes the quiet shy fat girl right? I figured that the only way people wouldn't notice my body was to make my personality bigger. I began to enjoy life again. I forced myself to be happy. To make jokes. To be witty. To shine. I gave up on my body and developed my confidence. Life has to be funny. If I took everything seriously, then I'd be fat and sad. I'd rather be fat and happy. Mind you, this was all going on while I weighed like 120 lbs. So stupid.
In a way, I am glad I became overweight. I have learned so much about who I really am. Society could tell me how to look, but no one really pressures you how to act. That's when I blossomed. I found passions in entertaining people. In being the one that people could pick on and take it. I started to not care what people thought. I lost sensitivity to it. I love that about me. It doesn't hurt my feelings when call me chubby or fat. Because guess what? I actually am now. I realize that I cared so much back then because I wasn't. Or at least I didn't think I was. So why did someone tell me that. I guess it must be true if someone says it so I guess I should believe it? I am so over that way of thinking. I don't take offense to pretty much anything anymore. I notice that people really enjoy that. They can hang around me, joke, play, tease, and just talk and there is no drama. Let's just enjoy each other. I became social again and loved it. I love who I am now. Emotionally, anyway.
So it took me to lose my whole self. My body, mind, and soul. I let people take that away from me. How silly. Once I was fully crumbled, I built myself back. But, unfortunately, I only built my way of thinking back. I gave up on my body and convinced myself that it wouldn't matter. A lot of happy people are chubby. Who cares what my body looks like. I have friends who don't care if I'm fat. My husband still loves me regardless. My baby girl still smiles and reaches for me even though I'm a chunk.
NEWS FLASH TO MYSELF: Even though the ones I love "don't mind" me being fat. I do. I miss moving. I miss running. I miss walking. I miss tumbling. I miss sports. I miss clothes. I miss not thinking about it constantly.
I was playing around with my little sister while watching the olympics last night. She is 16. She is a thin girl. We were watching syncronized diving and listening to the judges about being flexible. I don't know why but we both ended up on the floor playing with our flexibility. I'm a huge ass but can still do the splits and bend in ways I would have never thought a fat girl could. I feel like I found a part of myself that I lost. I know that sounds weird because it's such a small weird thing to do. I'm still flexible. But, as I was bending and twisting, I could see my fat so clearly. It pinches and fold and moves in disturbing ways. I feel like this was the first time that I actually SAW my fat. How much it was hindering me. How much talent I had and let go. How much potential I had and let go. Now I see how much of my life and abilities have been covered up. Literally. In fat. Layers and years of turmoil and avoidance shoved inside my skin. I think that was my AHA! moment. That the time is now. I need to do this for myself. I need to do this for my husband. Not so that he'll be attracted to me more, but so that he can have the best of me. The happy me. The side of me he's never seen before. I need to do it for my daughter. I need to be able to learn what it takes so that I can teach her. I feel like I can now use my life lessons to make her the best her. But I want to play with her. I want to run with her. I want to be able to get off the damn floor as fast as her.
So you with me? Let's freakin do this thing. Today my baby turned 6 months old. Today I start my journey. I hope to be well on my way by her first birthday. I want to be in pictures with her. I want to look at a picture of the two of us together and focus on how beautiful she is in the picture. Not how fat I am.
I think I rambled enough that you can see where I am. How I got here. And how I'm about to change my damn life.
BEGINNING STATS:
Weight: 180lbs
Neck: 12.5in
Waist: 34in
Hips: 46in
Arms: 13in
Thighs: 28in
Love Handles/Baby Gut: 45.5in
Calves: 16in
Cankles: 8.75in
BMI: 35.41
So the point of this blog is to keep me committed. I will be coming back every night to bitch about that days stuggles and thoughts. Each Monday I will update my stats and we can watch me get all cute and stuff. I'll show pictures once a month. I don't want to. But i'll do it. I'm not excited, it's not fun, but I'm pretty sure when I wake up and feel the way I want, I won't look back and think "well that was a waste of time."
Ready. Set. Eat a salad. Or 600.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)