And so it begins.

So, here I sit wondering how the hell I got this way. Except, I know exactly how I got this way.

Physically, I got here from eat like crap. All the time. It's not a mystery. When  you eat like crap, you feel like crap. You get fat.

You eat healthy when you live at home because your parents make you. The moment you get that freedom, no one makes you. So why would you? I've always been naturally a little rebellious. I guess this was just one more way to stick it to em'. Whoops. I guess I really just stuck it to myself. Literally. I should have just put glue on all that fast food and just stuck it to my butt, my gut, my thighs, and arms. At the time, it was easy, delicious, and quick. Who wants to cook when you have to do the dishes? Doesn't seem worth it when I can pay a dollar for a burger and move on to something more fun.

I feel like in my life I have chosen "fun" over any work. In high school, it was about friends and socializing. After high school, it was about enjoying life outside of work. Who wants to waste time eating?? Guzzle some crap and move on to the good stuff. Well, I've paid the price. With grades, crappy jobs, and a big ole butt. I have great memories but was it really worth all the hell I'm about to have to go through to get to where I need to be? For myself, my husband, and my daughter.

I'm going to just ramble through this, so if you're reading, sorry dude. I know that when I'm sitting and dormant and eating like crap, I am a royal biotch. I'm unhappy. It makes me pissy and continuously lazy. I've lost my drive, my passions, my adventures, and probably some of my relationships. I remember connecting with life. Feeling those moments when you are driving and the windows are down and knowing exactly who you are and how wonderful life is. Or when I would wake up in the morning and feel like nothing could keep me down. I had interests, and hobbies, and passions. You see, I wasn't always a fat girl. I used to be so fit and strong. I used to play. I used to run. I used to feel deeply.

Now, I sit here at 180 lbs and unhappy. I thought maybe the past 5 years of my life have seemed hard and have made me unhappy. In reality, my life has been the same, but I've been unhappy. I can't run. I can't play. I don't even feel things that deeply anymore. I don't like talking to people and I don't like going out. None of my clothes fit and I don't have the money or the guts to buy a whole new wardrobe. Do you know what it's like as a fat girl in a dressing room? It's an emotional war zone. You get excited that they have something so cute in your size, but once you get in there... it couldn't fit worse. I'm not just a regular chunk, I'm 5'0 with ridiculously large boobs. The shoulders never fit, the boobs never fit. It's a complicated life. Regular stores are too small, plus size stores fit too tall and big. So what to do? GROW THE FRICK UP AND BE A MAN. or woman.

DO THE WORK.

Emotionally, I got fat because of fear. Even when I weighed under 100 lbs I was obsessed with weight. I wouldn't laugh out loud because it gave me what looked like a double chin. I wouldnt sit normally because it gave my stomach skin rolls. not fat rolls. skin rolls. My thighs were too muscular from gymnastics and cheerleading. I had a gymnasts body. Short and boyish. I guess this made me feel fat? I have no idea. I felt ugly. All the time. People didn't call my ugly or fat, but I felt like it. Gotta love girls self images. I remember standing on the scale and when I saw that I hit 100 lbs, I couldn't wrap my mind around it. 100 lbs. Triple digit. That must be like what a car weighs. What it felt like. I kept going with life and didn't start puberty until almost 17 years old. That is when my problems really started. My hips exploded from a size 0 to a size 3. A SIZE 3?!? This couldn't be happening to me. Then I went from being flat chested with padded bras, to a C cup size in one summer. Sophomore year to Junior year went from boy shape straight to woman. I had so many curves so fast. Huge boobs, a bubble butt, and new hips. In retrospect, it was a dream body. At the time, I had no idea what was happening and I attributed it to gaining weight. I quit sports, I got quiet, and I got depressed. Girls weren't nice about it either. Rumors of boob jobs, sleeping around making my hips wide, and just being called fat by these girls. I weighed 115 and was being called fat.

I started to believe it. I guess that's when I gave up. I was going to be the fat one. All my friends were stick thin and pretty. I was the ugly fat friend. You know what that means. I had to be funny. No one likes the quiet shy fat girl right? I figured that the only way people wouldn't notice my body was to make my personality bigger. I began to enjoy life again. I forced myself to be happy. To make jokes. To be witty. To shine. I gave up on my body and developed my confidence. Life has to be funny. If I took everything seriously, then I'd be fat and sad. I'd rather be fat and happy. Mind you, this was all going on while I weighed like 120 lbs. So stupid.

In a way, I am glad I became overweight. I have learned so much about who I really am. Society could tell me how to look, but no one really pressures you how to act. That's when I blossomed. I found passions in entertaining people. In being the one that people could pick on and take it. I started to not care what people thought. I lost sensitivity to it. I love that about me. It doesn't hurt my feelings when call me chubby or fat. Because guess what? I actually am now. I realize that I cared so much back then because I wasn't. Or at least I didn't think I was. So why did someone tell me that. I guess it must be true if someone says it so I guess I should believe it? I am so over that way of thinking. I don't take offense to pretty much anything anymore. I notice that people really enjoy that. They can hang around me, joke, play, tease, and just talk and there is no drama. Let's just enjoy each other. I became social again and loved it. I love who I am now. Emotionally, anyway.

So it took me to lose my whole self. My body, mind,  and soul. I let people take that away from me. How silly. Once I was fully crumbled, I built myself back. But, unfortunately, I only built my way of thinking back. I gave up on my body and convinced myself that it wouldn't matter. A lot of happy people are chubby. Who cares what my body looks like. I have friends who don't care if I'm fat. My husband still loves me regardless. My baby girl still smiles and reaches for me even though I'm a chunk.

NEWS FLASH TO MYSELF: Even though the ones I love "don't mind" me being fat. I do. I miss moving. I miss running. I miss walking. I miss tumbling. I miss sports. I miss clothes. I miss not thinking about it constantly.

I was playing around with my little sister while watching the olympics last night. She is 16. She is a thin girl. We were watching syncronized diving and listening to the judges about being flexible. I don't know why but we both ended up on the floor playing with our flexibility. I'm a huge ass but can still do the splits and bend in ways I would have never thought a fat girl could. I feel like I found a part of myself that I lost. I know that sounds weird because it's such a small weird thing to do. I'm still flexible. But, as I was bending and twisting, I could see my fat so clearly. It pinches and fold and moves in disturbing ways. I feel like this was the first time that I actually SAW my fat. How much it was hindering me. How much talent I had and let go. How much potential I had and let go. Now I see how much of my life and abilities have been covered up. Literally. In fat. Layers and years of turmoil and avoidance shoved inside my skin. I think that was my AHA! moment. That the time is now. I need to do this for myself. I need to do this for my husband. Not so that he'll be attracted to me more, but so that he can have the best of me. The happy me. The side of me he's never seen before. I need to do it for my daughter. I need to be able to learn what it takes so that I can teach her. I feel like I can now use my life lessons to make her the best her. But I want to play with her. I want to run with her. I want to be able to get off the damn floor as fast as her.

So you with me? Let's freakin do this thing. Today my baby turned 6 months old. Today I start my journey. I hope to be well on my way by her first birthday. I want to be in pictures with her. I want to look at a picture of the two of us together and focus on how beautiful she is in the picture. Not how fat I am.

I think I rambled enough that you can see where I am. How I got here. And how I'm about to change my damn life.

BEGINNING STATS:
Weight: 180lbs
Neck: 12.5in
Waist: 34in
Hips: 46in
Arms: 13in
Thighs: 28in
Love Handles/Baby Gut: 45.5in
Calves: 16in
Cankles: 8.75in
BMI: 35.41

So the point of this blog is to keep me committed. I will be coming back every night to bitch about that days stuggles and thoughts. Each Monday I will update my stats and we can watch me get all cute and stuff. I'll show pictures once a month. I don't want to. But i'll do it. I'm not excited, it's not fun, but I'm pretty sure when I wake up and feel the way I want, I won't look back and think "well that was a waste of time."

Ready. Set. Eat a salad. Or 600.